This is an exercise

C texted me first for the first time ever tonight. He’s in this.

After texting some yesterday and today, tonight (via text) C finally confessed that he likes me and asked me out :D Equal parts excited and terrified and I need to just chill because we’ve always been friends and we should just be comfortable and cool like we used to be, but ha never gonna happen. Gonna really fucking try to be though haha.

So the guy who’s interested in me (who since I am betting will be mentioned slightly more often I will refer to as C) kind of asked me out today. I told him we need to hang out unless he doesn’t want to and he was like no no I want to (wish you could audibly hear the way he said it). And we were talking about doing stuff and he asked me if I’d want to go to the movies sometime and I said yes :3 And yeah I will update if there is anything to update if we ever do go out into the world as an independent unit, and if it has any hint of romantic undertones.

Wrestling myself aggressively back from the feelings I keep stumbling towards. Why wouldn’t I become very close friends with and develop feelings for the taken best friend of the guy who’s interested in me though? Need to get myself out of this without hurting anyone.

So much has been happening. I can’t talk about it here. Been being really irresponsible and having so much fun the past 2 weeks with my friends and everything has just changed so quickly between us. At the same time I have so much work to do because this is the week before spring break so it’s tests, projects, and presentations galore and all I can think about is my inability to sort through all of my new feelings. I wish they would just go away and stop bothering me. I can never help obsessing and fixating over the most meaningless shit. It’s not quite meaningless this time but I need to be fucking CAREful because I am treading on thin ice and don’t want to be the person to break through. I wish I just wasn’t so much the way I am. Why do I never change.

Hm, crushing on too many of my male coworkers at this point, some of whom are even taken. Ugh. This has got to stop. Really though, the devastation that one in particular is taken and has been for a long time is just really getting frustrating. And I have no right to feel that way, especially because I get too wrapped up in guys too easily when they’re just nice and friendly and I take that to mean more than it does. Need to pull my head out of my ass and love myself first and not look for validation and love in anyone but me. Also dreamt about another coworker during the week and can’t stop thinking about it and him since then. Been waiting to tell him about it until we work together tomorrow so I can gauge his reaction and see how he feels/what he thinks. He’s so fucking painfully shy so I’m quite curious. No idea whatsoever what he thinks of me and haha that kills me because as I said above, looking for validation everywhere.

My true resolution is to love myself every day. To turn any negative or punishing thought I may harbor towards myself into a positive one. All I do is judge myself so so harshly all day every day and it’s exhausting trying to be my own perfect version of myself that I just never measure up to. I’m gonna be 25 in 2 weeks, yikes. It’s time to get comfortable with myself and let go, let loose, and be freely me and love myself unconditionally, otherwise no one else ever will. I say this multiple times throughout the year every year, but I think I’m finally actually getting closer to this goal. Because I’m not trying anymore, I’m doing. I just throw myself into and make myself do things without overthinking and overpreparing myself to the point of madness. For this, and all my other small accomplishments moment to moment each day, I deserve praise from myself. And that’s how I’m gonna live. I feel more positive overall in general, I don’t get moody really at all anymore. I still have a temper, that’s just my temperament, but the anger from it fades quickly after releasing it, whereas before it would fester and I would hold onto it. So I am changing and have changed vastly over the past few years. I also really need to relearn how to   r  e  l  a  x. That is something I have completely lost and no longer no how to do in any way. I can never shut my mind off enough to stop doing shit long enough to devote full attention to even an episode of a TV show, let alone a movie. Nor can I read even a magazine, and hahhahahaha forget about books, they feel punishing like textbooks. And I LOVE reading. I used to read piles of books each week. Now I’m lucky if I get through a pile in a couple YEARS. Anyway this post is over.

Finals week. And all I can think about is Christmas and who I want for what feels like the 10th Christmas in a row. Hate how stuck I get on people, but it’s just who I am, loyal and devoted to a fault. Can’t shake me off, and you shouldn’t want to because my love, while abundant, is not given readily to many. You are special if you have my affection. And I hope I am special enough to have your affection as well. I BETTER.

"I know you. I know what you like." Taken out of context but shudder-worthy regardless.

I’m still alive. Trying to be a trouper this semester, but had to drop a class already. Hoping it doesn’t fuck up my aid for future semesters but if it does I’ll deal, I had to chuck this class, it was just in the way. I isolate more than ever now and it fucking blows because all I want is to be around people but I can’t because then I really don’t do hw or study at all. So I have to completely cut myself off from everyone and suffer as I force myself to do work. My head’s just not in it this semester. And I’m still pining for T and it just feels like an endless cycle of misery sometimes. And it’s misery entirely of my own making so I try not to complain or talk about it anywhere, but I think we all know how great letting shit fester feels, so.

Sending up distress signals that no one reads. Delightful. Shittiest day of work yesterday and I just can’t seem to shake it off of me. Don’t want to go back there tomorrow, but at least T will finally be there. Maybe he can protect me from all the bullshit of everyone else, cause I just couldn’t handle it yesterday. Hate working without him or my beloved boss. Everyone else just can’t run shit the way they can.