Done escuela finally. Worrying now about final grades being posted because I need my C in organic and before my final I only have a D so IT’S A BIT OF A STRESSFUL SITUATION. That and I’m also worried that I scared T a little bit by telling him I care about him and then accidentally being kinda weird about it at work when I talked a little about my empathizing with what he was feeling and just yeah nobody wants to hear that and Idk why I didn’t restrain myself but yeah. That’s a thing that happened. Work was fine though, lots of knowing looks and smiles in place of words that usually would have needed to be said so uh I’m all for wordless communicating if that’s how it’s gonna be. Just shows how well we can read and understand each other now and what reactions we anticipate from each other as well. I just worry about how he feels now finally having confirmation that I care about him. He’s so fucking confusing I swear I don’t know why I torture myself over this. Then I get to work and he chats me up about all kinds of shit and smiles a lot (when he never ever ever used to smile before, no exaggeration) and asks me all kinds of questions and I just can’t. He’s so quick to share laughs with me and make jokes and then I wonder why I doubt anything. I just as always don’t know what he thinks or feels about anything other than what I can discern from his facial expressions and actions. He is quick to quell me now too though about any little thing, always assuring me that I will be fine and that I can do it. Harkening back to his claim that he can be soothing? Regardless, his confidence warms me. As does his unwavering kindness even when dealing with his own mammoth levels of stress, which is never taken out on or directed at me. I don’t know how he does it. It’s like he’s a completely different person from when I met him, but he’s the guy I always saw that he was deep down. Gotta stop with this l’amour wank, but. I just so desperately want him.
Typing up a post, then not posting it because you don’t need to now that you got it out and feel better. A+
Got into work yesterday and he had a conversation with me about what we messaged about Friday night, in the middle of our crowded store with customers all around us. Just. Swoon. And we just talked so much and he was telling K that he was doing a good job with this new task he’s been doing but that if he has any problems to come to him and he won’t be mad, that he’ll be mad if K hides it from him and then all this shit builds up. And then he turns to me and is like “See? I didn’t yell at him.” And I was incredulously like “Wha, I didn’t..” and he was like, “You were thinking it.” He’s nice to K because he knows I’m fond of him. Again, that is just <3 that he cares what I think. He gave me another movie to watch, talked about school and he’s been extremely kind, supportive and sympathetic which I don’t know why it surprises me when he seems to be ever increasing in these demonstrations of concern, but. And we left and closed the store late last night because we couldn’t stop talking. And then we messaged back and forth and yeah I don’t remember a lot of details, just panicking off and on about how much he cares about me. He was even concerned when I had a bad night at work Friday night, which I did not expect him to be supportive about but he was. I just worry and I don’t know why, because around him I can feel how much he cares and he even will backtrack and try to quell me if I start to sass him about anything he tries to tell me to do that I don’t like. I just worry that he’s trying to keep me at arm’s length and knows that I want him and he doesn’t return the feeling, or he does but doesn’t want to allow this to happen for his own ridiculous reasons. Hopefully I am wrong to even consider this. We’re growing closer all the time and when I message him and he messages me back he is off and on fb 100 times waiting for me to message him back. And as soon as he sees I’ve messaged him he is on a lot, frequently checking to see if I’m messaging him. And he apologizes if he doesn’t reply RIGHT after I message him because he was asleep hahaha like he apologizes for sleeping. So I don’t know. I don’t know guys haha but I just really, really need SOME kind of confirmation that he has even the tiniest bit of romantic feelings for me. But he just doesn’t open up and share ~feelings in that way. He has only done that a select few times. He’s telling in other ways, but I just never know what to make of so much of what he says and does. I don’t know if we’re always going to be just friends, if he’s still sussing me out a bit, or if this is how he begins to let girls get close to him or what. Everything is just so uncertain and I hate it. I know I need to just let it be, and let this breathe, but we talk so much that I can never get him off of my mind for very long. And I hope I have some place of semi-permanence in his mind as well.
So then he came in Saturday night (several hours after his shift ended so like, why come back) and smiled and happily said “Hey [my name]!” while I was in the middle of counting change for a customer so he completely caught me massively off guard and I’m sure I couldn’t hide the excitement in the smile on my face when I said hey back. He came back up a few minutes later and I rang him up and he made a joke about the dance party and I shook my head and gave him this look, and he leaned in and said “have a good evening” in a ridiculous voice and I said “yooouuuu too”. And then we messaged that night and again yesterday morning for over an hour and he liked my status and I just want him everywhere always.
Ok so I get into work and T has me making signs, and I go up to get one from the printer across from him and he stops me by saying my name, so I turn around and look at him, and he smiles and gives me this sincere look and nods and says “It’s good to see you” and I laugh a little, resume eye contact and give him a big smile while nodding and say “yeah”. Then he made something dirty out of what our coworker said but wouldn’t elaborate to him when he didn’t understand and I was just laughing. And he was saying to me come on you know the most intelligent people are the BIGGEST freaks, and I immediately agreed emphatically, nodding saying yeah in that “obviously” tone. And he was like yeah we’ve been through this. And he asked if there are any more chem tests on the horizon and I was like no not for a while. Quiz today though. Quizzes every Friday. And he was like you seem to handle the quizzes though. So he is keeping up and caring about that. Then he was opening up some new merch and making fun of the name because it again sounded like something dirty and we were both just like what the fuck is this and kept laughing. Then K came up and posed with these items he couldn’t figure out the location of and T and I burst the fuck out laughing, and T completely lost it and collapsed in on himself, and literally fell to the floor in hysterics. I have never seen him like that hahahahahahaha. Oh my god I was dying. And I just kept laughing so hard at so much of what he was saying and doing all night and he was looking at me at one point when I was doing so and I said “Delirious people are my favorite” and he playfully was like “I thought so.” And because it was so warm in the store I kept standing just inside the open doors to enjoy the amazing breeze, and after laughing that I kept ending up by them, T joined me and was like “Ohhh that is nice” and settled into the door frame and we stood there looking out together as he told me a story about his night last night. It was all very soothing and comfortable and just nice to stand there for a while with him. He did his count voice many times throughout the night and we just laughed so much, so hard and easier than ever about every little thing. I was never not laughing and smiling when he was around. And we just kept fucking with each other all night. And I sassed him at one point and he was standing so close and immediately looked me in the face and playfully seriously said “Don’t sass me” and I laughed and said I wasn’t and he was still playfully like I’m just explaining what each one of these is, you just asked me. And I laughed and admitted “ok I was sassing you a little.” And I had already counted down and had the money ready but asked him if I should count and he was like yesss and I was like “ok it’s done.” And he was like “I wish you had the ability to make everything always that immediate! You wanna be a millionaire, you got it!” And I was cracking up and said yeah if only. This is slightly less impressive. And he was like yeah only slightly though. Then when he needed me to count his drop he did the full Count routine (1-2-3-ah-ah-ah) and I was cracking up and said “You’re way too good at that” (cause it was legit dead on) and he was like “I know, I have an unfair advantage.” And he compared me to a cat except the opposite because I kept going to where the breeze was and they seek out the sun. It was pretty accurate. Just so much teasing and being so playful with each other and together with customers at every interaction. And when we were leaving I was like ok well since you’ll already be gone when I come in tomorrow I guess I’ll just see you in a week and he laughed and smiled and said see you in a week. And then I messaged him saying basically um but let’s not just see each other once a week and let’s hang out and he pretty much said I want to but right now am super focused on getting all my shit in order and am busy dealing with all the paperwork and legal shit that entails (he’s not from here (but has lived here for decades) so this is legit serious immigration type dealings to acquire important documents, not bullshit) but once that all quiets down he’s game. So hopefully this doesn’t take forever. I need to just nurture this like a long-distance relationship and just keep talking to him on fb during the week like always so we’re kept close/brought closer by communication.
Reminder to self that I am not fat and actually look pretty okay. Don’t be so self-conscious. I felt so fat all day and was panicked people were horrified to look at me wearing a dress. STOP THIS.
The biggest thing I’m still taking away from last night (and that I did not express in my previous post) is just how much smiling and laughter there was. It did not stop all night. I felt truly happy. I am just happy to be there with him, and he with me.
Ok, this week I want to talk about my night at work. He asked me if I’d had a donut from the box everyone was sharing and I shook my head and he was really selling it and nodding encouragingly as he said “You should have one” and I shook my head again making a disgusted-ish face and he was like “I’m trying to convince you. I did my best tempting voice and everything!” and we shared a laugh. And we were so busy for much of the day and he muttered under his breath to me “Must.not.kill.coworkers. Will go to jail.” And we talked about my chem test and he brought up my A on the quiz again and said that demonstrated that I understand the fundamentals and he was like “You don’t give yourself enough credit.” And he asked if I’d watched this movie he recommended and I was like “no I had to study for chem all week” and he laughed and was like “well I think that takes precedence.” Then when he was switching my drawer I was like “don’t worry, only 45 minutes til the Saturday night dance party so it’s all gonna be fine,” and he was like “see I’ve got you making signs, and then the dance party, it’s just all of your favorite things being set up for you,” and I was like “ohhhh you know me so well!” And my coworker interjected some comment that was clearly calling us out for flirting but I didn’t hear what she said and goddamn me for that. Then finally when it was just us and our other coworker, who I was teaching to ring a little bit, we were all talking and T said he was having me instead of any of our other coworkers teach him cause I’ll be professional about it and they’d all have too much fun just bossing him around. Then I was complaining about making signs again and he was like, “it’s because you’re a capricorn, you thrive on being in control, and this program you can’t control. It has no logic, so you can’t control it and you don’t like that.” And he went on about himself and his sign and he said how he can be dictatorial on the outside but he can also just go with the flow, which I challenged a bit cause he’s not as easygoing as he thinks. And we were talking about sports and our coworker (ok since I bring him up a lot let’s call him K) said that baseball is boring and I was like I love baseball! and T was appalled and said “Did someone just say they love baseball? I can’t talk to you anymore.” and I was like “nooo it’s a good kind of boring!” And then K said golf is probably the only thing that’s more boring and I said how it’s soothing to watch and T was incredulous and said, “So I can just say anything in a soothing voice and you’ll listen no matter what I’m saying” and he did a soothing voice and I can’t remember what he said but I was super sarcastically like, “You don’t speak soothingly” and he very playfully yelled back “I can be soothing!” And I was like well you never are! And then I was having problems with a sign and we were cracking up and joking around about it and he was like, “You know it’s only doing this because it’s you. It’s for no one else. It just doesn’t like you.” “And I was like oh I know, it’s made that very clear” (We have a running joke of all machines rebelling specifically against me when I use them because “they don’t like me”) And then I was like, “At least people do I guess.” And he immediately said “Oh people like you.” And I was like, “I guess,” still fucking around a little and he was like, “There’s no guessing about it. I get complaints when you’re not here.” And he imitated our coworkers asking where I am. And I was like “Good they better miss me, Idk how you guys made it last week without me, and it was weird to not be here actually.” And he was like “Yes, you should be here. You’re supposed to be here.” Wow I’m kind of just realizing the potential weight in all these statements rn <3 And he was disciplining K and saying there are far worse things than getting yelled at by him, and I was like, “it’s pretty scary and effective for me.” And he was like “don’t encourage him” and I was like “no no I’m not. But I just try to avoid getting reprimanded by you for any reason and that motivates me to make sure I do a good job.” And he was like “as much as I appreciate you saying that, there are far worse things than me.” And I was like “oh I know but still, it works for me.” And we were talking about the schedule and he was thinking we’d be working together next Friday since I revoked my requested day off (lol anything for my beloved boss who I will refer to as M) and then he was like oh wait no I’m not closing. :((( And he immediately shut K up when he was saying that school is hard work because of how hard I have to work in universita. And K asked if I needed to check the schedule and I was like no I’m working 3-9 til I die and T laughed. And then I said only 5 more weeks til I’m done school and then I can have some fun with my schedule and I swear if I don’t get scheduled all nights with T…I need to ensure that happens. Tonight was so enjoyable though. Even when it was stressful cause I know how to handle him. We just have such a goddamn good understanding of each other and each other’s needs and it’s pretty awesome. I’m just feeling so fucking amazing lately.
My beloved boss who I feared was gone forever HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!!!!! And my evil boss is gone! MAGIC. He was like “I’m back, if that’s okay with you.” <33333333333333333333333333333333 But now T won’t be working Friday nights anymore because of this, but he still will be Saturdays. But now I will see and work with him even less. Unless of course we start hanging out more regularly. And summer’s soon! So my availability will be much more open then to work with him on the regular. But after my last update something clicked and I’ve been feeling exponentially better, really clearheaded and focused and rededicated to organic. I really feel like I can get through it, and study as much as is required. And I also stopped obsessing. My brain just finally properly prioritized information and I’m exactly where I need to be. So last night as a result was really great. Very playful and flirty and really comfortable because I wasn’t holding myself back with all my overthinking and obsessive insanity. I was able to just be, and we finally had fun again. We were super sarcastic and playful with each other at every opportunity, he made faces at me, did his ridiculous accent again, brought up a bunch of things we’ve been talking about outside of work to show me he’s remembering and caring and knowing what’s going on with me, and was even nice to our store cat cause he knows her and I really get on and that I am fond of her haha. I’m not gonna go crazy into specifics because I think dwelling too much on every little thing is what gets me into trouble. I don’t need to recount it blow by blow to know that he was really happy to be around me last night, and that is a lovely feeling. Really loving where I’m at right now, gonna try to make it last.
Might withdraw from organic before it’s too late. I just can’t focus and can’t get myself to study. My head is NOT in it this semester and I don’t want to force myself through the second half of the semester when I will likely fail or squeak out a D and I know I can do better. But I just can’t do it right now. But I feel like this is exacerbated by my fixation with personal matters and I don’t feel that’s a legitimate excuse to just let myself off the hook. It’s really fucking irresponsible and insane of me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to give up. So I don’t know what to do. And yeah I’m stressing about T too. But he’s working on something that seems to be majorly motivated by my interest in hanging out with him, so we’ll see what happens next, if anything. You should have seen his face Friday afternoon when he saw me. I’ve never seen him so happy; his face lit up with the biggest genuine smile I’ve ever seen on him, looking so happy to see me and saying so. Warmest of affection I’ve ever felt from him. I just expect more effort from him though in the pursuance of our relationship, so I get discouraged and majorly suffer with self-consciousness. But I think he does too so this is just a lot of fun all around.