This is an exercise

I didn’t mean to completely abandon this blog in the midst of my devastation a few months ago, but it seems that’s what’s happened. I still don’t feel comfortable talking about anything on here anymore I don’t think. But I’m ok. We’re ok. Things are ok. I just don’t want to jinx anything or overhype anything or get myself worked up one way or another. I’m just trying to take things as they come and not to force anything. Just trying to be comfortable and relaxed around each other and about things and just let things be what they are and go where they will. We have built something significantly stronger from the ashes of what we were though.

I still can’t even update because I’m just too sad about everything. I can’t bring myself to finalize anything in the form of a formal post. I don’t want this to be it. I don’t want to talk about it, I just want things to be better. I’m gonna keep fighting for that until it is achieved.

I consider myself a fairly brave and strong person who can push through a lot of things that are difficult and/or scary for many others. So I don’t know why I am incapable of mustering this same bravery with C. Why am I so afraid of everything I so desperately want with and from him. Why are we so goddamn terrified of the things we want most? I just want this so much and I’m so afraid of fucking up at every step of the way. We’re both taking such care to not break this and Idk about him but I am just so afraid; to invest too much into this (though I already have) and because of how much I like him of actually being able to really kiss him (the way I desperately long to) and to be comfortable touching each other and just Idk. I want to not be so afraid.

(Date/hangout) 6 is in the books. Had his arm around me for (nearly) the entirety of a movie last night. Could tell he was feeling very proud of himself that I was so receptive to this haha. Any time he had to get up or move he would put it back which was also cute cause it’s not like that stays comfortable after 20 minutes so. Prior to this he was sitting very close to me so our arms were touching/pressed against each other. And we were both so fucking exhausted we both thought we were gonna just fall asleep haha and yet he still wanted to hang so :3 guess he really wants to be around me. He seemed more comfortable last night too, which is so great. But he kissed me goodnight and I half fucking missed hahahaha cause he kisses left and I am retarded and can only kiss right so I need to make him stop doing that. Otherwise I think things are good, we shall see how things continue.

Trying not to talk too much about things. C and I had a conversation nearly 2 weeks ago and things have changed in what I feel is a dramatically positive way since. Our whole dynamic has kind of shifted and he seems more interested than ever and is chasing me even harder since I created some distance by not just mindlessly babbling all the time. We had a double date with his best friend (our 5th date/hangout) and it was fun, and when I offhandedly made a comment about driving C away with my having bad headspace days his best friend immediately said he doesn’t think there’s anything I could do to drive him away which was just :3 And C also drunk texted me which was equal parts endearing and enlightening.

So yeah Idk everyone who finds out (and more and more people seem to know) is very excited about this and refer to us as together and I just hope things continue positively cause there’s strong feelings here from both of us, something we have actually expressed to one another. He’s so nervous around me too at work, CONSTANTLY dropping everything even when I’m not right next to him. Forever excessively glancing at each other whenever we’re in each other’s line of sight too. And there is the most tangible tension between us and we really need to just make out and make this official. Things already feel kind of serious and intense and we both just really want this so. Hopefully we can work through the awkwardness and make this work.

Neglected to explain that his asking was not in a polite asking for permission way, it was a pent up I’m going to kiss you now cause I’ve been dying to all night, and I hope that’s ok cause Idk if I can stop myself. And now his best friend just told me C’s not sure if -I- feel like we could be together. So now I feel like I have to do something to show him I do, cause I do want to be with him. Perhaps I will make out with him until he understands.

Watched a movie in C’s room again. Then when he was dropping me off he asked if he could kiss me and I said yeah and he was like yeah?!?? After, he confessed that he had been wanting to do that for a -long- time and he was really excited and happy. It was cute as HELL. We’re such dumb teenagers awkwardly kissing in his car and me reveling in feeling his stubble on my face at last. Ugh.

I worry what C thinks about how close his best friend and I are. We talk all the time now, had a very intense and personal conversation for hours tonight and just we genuinely find it very easy to confide in and talk to each other about shit. I’m really lucky to have him honestly and I hope he feels the same about me. Just don’t know how to let C know that he’s my guy, he’s the one I want, the one I want to be around, the one I want to talk to. Ha his best friend says kiss him. I need to get an opportunity this weekend and make this happen. So let’s hope we’re hanging out so I can finally lock this shit DOWN.

Oh and we also had a third date this weekend :3 He asked me out even in the midst of my being in a bad mood and complaining. He is A+

This is REALLY 7th grade, C and his best friend (who just shared this with me) have been talking about his nervousness about kissing me.