So much has been happening. I can’t talk about it here. Been being really irresponsible and having so much fun the past 2 weeks with my friends and everything has just changed so quickly between us. At the same time I have so much work to do because this is the week before spring break so it’s tests, projects, and presentations galore and all I can think about is my inability to sort through all of my new feelings. I wish they would just go away and stop bothering me. I can never help obsessing and fixating over the most meaningless shit. It’s not quite meaningless this time but I need to be fucking CAREful because I am treading on thin ice and don’t want to be the person to break through. I wish I just wasn’t so much the way I am. Why do I never change.
Hm, crushing on too many of my male coworkers at this point, some of whom are even taken. Ugh. This has got to stop. Really though, the devastation that one in particular is taken and has been for a long time is just really getting frustrating. And I have no right to feel that way, especially because I get too wrapped up in guys too easily when they’re just nice and friendly and I take that to mean more than it does. Need to pull my head out of my ass and love myself first and not look for validation and love in anyone but me. Also dreamt about another coworker during the week and can’t stop thinking about it and him since then. Been waiting to tell him about it until we work together tomorrow so I can gauge his reaction and see how he feels/what he thinks. He’s so fucking painfully shy so I’m quite curious. No idea whatsoever what he thinks of me and haha that kills me because as I said above, looking for validation everywhere.
My true resolution is to love myself every day. To turn any negative or punishing thought I may harbor towards myself into a positive one. All I do is judge myself so so harshly all day every day and it’s exhausting trying to be my own perfect version of myself that I just never measure up to. I’m gonna be 25 in 2 weeks, yikes. It’s time to get comfortable with myself and let go, let loose, and be freely me and love myself unconditionally, otherwise no one else ever will. I say this multiple times throughout the year every year, but I think I’m finally actually getting closer to this goal. Because I’m not trying anymore, I’m doing. I just throw myself into and make myself do things without overthinking and overpreparing myself to the point of madness. For this, and all my other small accomplishments moment to moment each day, I deserve praise from myself. And that’s how I’m gonna live. I feel more positive overall in general, I don’t get moody really at all anymore. I still have a temper, that’s just my temperament, but the anger from it fades quickly after releasing it, whereas before it would fester and I would hold onto it. So I am changing and have changed vastly over the past few years. I also really need to relearn how to r e l a x. That is something I have completely lost and no longer no how to do in any way. I can never shut my mind off enough to stop doing shit long enough to devote full attention to even an episode of a TV show, let alone a movie. Nor can I read even a magazine, and hahhahahaha forget about books, they feel punishing like textbooks. And I LOVE reading. I used to read piles of books each week. Now I’m lucky if I get through a pile in a couple YEARS. Anyway this post is over.
Finals week. And all I can think about is Christmas and who I want for what feels like the 10th Christmas in a row. Hate how stuck I get on people, but it’s just who I am, loyal and devoted to a fault. Can’t shake me off, and you shouldn’t want to because my love, while abundant, is not given readily to many. You are special if you have my affection. And I hope I am special enough to have your affection as well. I BETTER.
I’m still alive. Trying to be a trouper this semester, but had to drop a class already. Hoping it doesn’t fuck up my aid for future semesters but if it does I’ll deal, I had to chuck this class, it was just in the way. I isolate more than ever now and it fucking blows because all I want is to be around people but I can’t because then I really don’t do hw or study at all. So I have to completely cut myself off from everyone and suffer as I force myself to do work. My head’s just not in it this semester. And I’m still pining for T and it just feels like an endless cycle of misery sometimes. And it’s misery entirely of my own making so I try not to complain or talk about it anywhere, but I think we all know how great letting shit fester feels, so.
Sending up distress signals that no one reads. Delightful. Shittiest day of work yesterday and I just can’t seem to shake it off of me. Don’t want to go back there tomorrow, but at least T will finally be there. Maybe he can protect me from all the bullshit of everyone else, cause I just couldn’t handle it yesterday. Hate working without him or my beloved boss. Everyone else just can’t run shit the way they can.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t like how I’m feeling lately though. Feeling unlike myself and this unwellness is exacerbated by my not working with T this weekend and now I won’t be for weeks because we’re going on vacation so I’m missing my usual shifts with him and just yeah. Asked him about potentially moving up though and he thinks it might be a good idea and that it would help out a lot and I’m like yyyyyeah duh so do it already! I want to work more, I want more responsibility, I want to help him and my beloved boss as much as possible because I love them both to pieces and I care about this job. And my love for him just seems to never be in short supply and I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m kind of just letting it be, but I know it comes out in the ways I communicate with him and he is always very open to and accepting of whatever I throw at him. He has become an expert at reading my facial expressions and just knowing exactly how I’m feeling any given second. Wah just date me. What do I have to do to make this shit happen. Come on b.
It’s been a weird blur of a week. The past few days I worked crazy hours covering for tons of people for Memorial Day weekend but this also meant lots of extra hours with T which makes me :D We closed together Saturday night and then opened together Sunday morning. Ugh he was so cute and groggy and so was I (Idk about me being cute haha but) and there was a lot of banter because of my crankiness and tiredness. And when I was getting ready to leave I told him I was gonna offer to stay but that it had calmed down enough now that I didn’t have to and he said he appreciated it and he said about my being tired, genuinely caring and being concerned about it like he wouldn’t have let me stay even if we had still been busy. He worked longer hours than me both days and he’s worried about MY tiredness? <3 And we talked about our different plans for that night after work and messaged about it after work. Then I made a status on fb making fun of myself that he immediately blew up with comments, even prompting my brother to say “I saw your post and right away I saw him commenting,” and my brother does not make big deals out of anything nor is he afraid to hurt my feelings when I make a big deal out of something that isn’t to him, so he thinking enough of this to even bring it up says something. Then today I had this funny dream about T that I woke up right after so I felt compelled to message him about it, and in the dream I’d ditched him at work to go have sex with some random guy and I said I didn’t really know what to think of that. So his fucking response was “Could it mean that you have not gotten laid in a while??? Just saying, don’t hit me.” And I said “Perhaps…but yeah you’re getting hit for this one haha” And he said “c’est la vie” and I didn’t respond so 5 minutes later he messaged me again saying “Here, they say laughter is the best medicine for what ails ya, so enjoy -” and he linked me to a dumb video and I again did not respond so we’ll see if he is worried at all that I might be mad at him when I work with him again Thursday. So now he knows…some things about me and I wish he would change my lack of a sex life situation. I wonder if he has any interest to do so. And as always, if he has any remote interest in me in any kind of emotional or physical way. I’ve been afraid to post much detail on here anymore, which is why the lack of updates. I just am so exposed on here. He’s just so so confusing though. That’s my main thing lately, him pushing me and pulling me. I never know what he wants or needs from me. It’s not right how much I am willing to give either.
Done escuela finally. Worrying now about final grades being posted because I need my C in organic and before my final I only have a D so IT’S A BIT OF A STRESSFUL SITUATION. That and I’m also worried that I scared T a little bit by telling him I care about him and then accidentally being kinda weird about it at work when I talked a little about my empathizing with what he was feeling and just yeah nobody wants to hear that and Idk why I didn’t restrain myself but yeah. That’s a thing that happened. Work was fine though, lots of knowing looks and smiles in place of words that usually would have needed to be said so uh I’m all for wordless communicating if that’s how it’s gonna be. Just shows how well we can read and understand each other now and what reactions we anticipate from each other as well. I just worry about how he feels now finally having confirmation that I care about him. He’s so fucking confusing I swear I don’t know why I torture myself over this. Then I get to work and he chats me up about all kinds of shit and smiles a lot (when he never ever ever used to smile before, no exaggeration) and asks me all kinds of questions and I just can’t. He’s so quick to share laughs with me and make jokes and then I wonder why I doubt anything. I just as always don’t know what he thinks or feels about anything other than what I can discern from his facial expressions and actions. He is quick to quell me now too though about any little thing, always assuring me that I will be fine and that I can do it. Harkening back to his claim that he can be soothing? Regardless, his confidence warms me. As does his unwavering kindness even when dealing with his own mammoth levels of stress, which is never taken out on or directed at me. I don’t know how he does it. It’s like he’s a completely different person from when I met him, but he’s the guy I always saw that he was deep down. Gotta stop with this l’amour wank, but. I just so desperately want him.