I’ll probably delete this later cause this is not what this blog’s about but

So I saw the kings of my entire universe Red Hot Chili Peppers from the 19th row last night and it was a truly life-altering experience. I burst into tears when Anthony came onstage and spent half the first song trying to stop hyperventilating and crying. I screamed so much and so loudly that my throat throbbed like something was wrong by the 3rd song, so naturally I kept screaming and shouting every word. It was just such a beautiful and overwhelming experience that affected me so deeply I am still at a loss for words. But they’re my home. They’re home to me. They have been for 10 years now and will forever remain as such. No man has had quite as profound and lasting of an influence on my life as Anthony. And since last night I’ve just been overwhelmed by this tangible creative energy that’s pushing me to make major changes in my life. I just want to live inside this feeling and make the most of it. I hope it stays.

Can’t stop swooning over work last night with T. We worked so closely together for like 3 hours and just ugh. He kept making inappropriate jokes so only I could hear (in front of customers) and cursing and then chastising himself for doing so and it was just so clear that he was trying to impress me and just ugh get out. He was even trying to stand all cool like leaning back against the counter trying to be casual and just hahahahahahaha. And we just were standing so close to each other to work and he was so nice and helpful when I had problems when usually he’s a total ass that makes you feel really stupid. And then when it was time for me to count my drawer I was like, “Can you pop this for me? My register.” And he was like, “I’m not even gonna say it.” And I was just like siiiiiiiiiiiigh “I know, I know.” Would have been a perfect opportunity to hit him cause he always makes something dirty out of what I say but I’m not taking any chances with the slow, non-development of this relationship. 　

Just officially applied to a real college with Pre-Med as my major. Eep. Good luck to me.

See and now it’s annoying to not work all week because then I don’t see these guys all week and I feel like all this shit happens while I’m not there and that nobody actually gives a shit about me and ugh I don’t know. Insecure until the end of time. I don’t think I’ll ever believe that anyone actually truly cares for me. And I’m probably wrong now anyway so it’s time to get over it, stop thinking about it and just study for my final.

I keep putting off making this post. Ok. So there’s this guy at work who since he started working with us a few months ago has been super nice to me and made all kinds of excuses to come up and talk to me, flirt with me, and tease me. A few weeks ago he was joking around with a customer and told him not to use language in front of me (“when a lady’s present”) when he threw a curse into whatever he was saying. But after he left he said I know I was joking around with that guy but if anyone ever uses any kind of language in front of you or directed at you just tell me and I’ll kick them out. And it’s not a sexist thing, it’s just common sense. But I won’t even hesitate to kick someone out. And I was just like sdfvgbhtresdfrgthtfrf. And he often calls me this cute nickname which is a play on my name (I’d just post it but I’m trying to maintain a semblance of anonymity on here in case someone stumbles across it somehow). And he always looks at me almost like keeping an eye on me to see if I need anything and he comes right away when I call for help, like legit so fast that it’s clear that he drops whatever he was doing immediately. And he cataloged my tattoos in his memory as bands I like and teased me about how long my work shirt is cause it’s legit like a dress it’s so big on me haha. He just pays a lot of attention to all of my details. And then this past Friday he kept looking at me and I was just thinking oh god what, does he hate my new hair and finally he was like, “Hey, your hair looks really good like that.” :3 And then later his dad, the owner, was like I love your hair. And my boss (who I’ll just start referring to as T to make it easier), was like “Everyone says that.” Then legit seconds after they walked out the door T started a conversation with me and we actually fucking SPOKE and it wasn’t awkward. We’ve been talking more on facebook lately so that’s helped us in person.

So then yesterday at work, the owner’s son (who I’ll refer to as J), was seriously looking at me more than ever. It was so much that I was worried I was like doing something wrong or something hahaha. But eventually he came over to me and was asking me questions about this service we offer even though T is the expert on everything (and was right there) and everyone knows it. Then a little while later he came up to me and asked me if I’m into this band and I was like ah I don’t know much of their stuff but a lot of my friends are really into them and he told me this all girl cover band was playing that night and that he really wanted to go cause he’s heard them and they’re really good and my heart stopped cause I thought he was about to ask me out but he was like I can’t go but yeah they’re supposed to be really good and he leaned in to tell me their name cause it’s a semi-vulgar play on the original band’s name and we’re like a “family” store. And then later after he and the owner went home I was talking to my coworker friend and I said I was dying to know how old J is (cause the owner’s pretty old and we all thought J was his GRANDson not son, like he can’t be that old) and she was like “I saw him earlier trying to hit that and I was like get ittttt” so if even she noticed then I guess I’m not crazy?

If you knew what my stomach looked like a year and a half ago. I’m so close.

I can’t ever just take a compliment. Boss raved about my hair again and said it’s like I’m a whole new me and all this. And I just, I don’t know it’s made me feel really ugly now. Like this is such a huge and great change to him because it’s such an improvement on my non attractiveness from before and now I like slightly am or something? Ugh Idk I don’t mean to be that person but this is truly how it felt immediately when he said it to me and it still does now as well. Idk if it’s how he meant it, I’m sure it wasn’t I guess but I just don’t know what was so wrong with me before. I guess even when I thought I looked good before I just didn’t at all. And that is just really awful to hear because I like myself as I am and the way I look so why doesn’t anyone else. I’ve just been made to feel very ugly and like I needed to change to be even acceptable to look at. And that sucks.

So today I randomly went to work with my hair straightened and my coworker freaked out about how great she thought it looked and my boss was like “it becomes you” and it was such a fucking Bronte moment I swear. The way he looked at me and the sincerity with which he said it. I’ve been laughing and swooning all night over it. Then later he went on about how much better it looks and all this and how he apparently saw me at the store the other day and thought it was me but with better hair and just sadcfvgbhtfr what. But now I’m just thinking ok then what was wrong with how my hair looked before aka every day since you’ve known me was I repellant before or what. I know I shouldn’t be taking it as a backward insult but it really makes me wonder what the hell he thought when he looked at me before. And even moreso what he’s thinking now. Hopefully that I’m as becoming as my hair. Needless to say, I’ll be straightening my hair for work again tomorrow.

I wish I could be someone else. Or rather a better version of myself and all the things I imagine myself to be. Then maybe I could attain all the people and things I desire most. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid of everything and everyone. My life would be significantly less empty this way.