Finals week. And all I can think about is Christmas and who I want for what feels like the 10th Christmas in a row. Hate how stuck I get on people, but it’s just who I am, loyal and devoted to a fault. Can’t shake me off, and you shouldn’t want to because my love, while abundant, is not given readily to many. You are special if you have my affection. And I hope I am special enough to have your affection as well. I BETTER.
I’m still alive. Trying to be a trouper this semester, but had to drop a class already. Hoping it doesn’t fuck up my aid for future semesters but if it does I’ll deal, I had to chuck this class, it was just in the way. I isolate more than ever now and it fucking blows because all I want is to be around people but I can’t because then I really don’t do hw or study at all. So I have to completely cut myself off from everyone and suffer as I force myself to do work. My head’s just not in it this semester. And I’m still pining for T and it just feels like an endless cycle of misery sometimes. And it’s misery entirely of my own making so I try not to complain or talk about it anywhere, but I think we all know how great letting shit fester feels, so.
Sending up distress signals that no one reads. Delightful. Shittiest day of work yesterday and I just can’t seem to shake it off of me. Don’t want to go back there tomorrow, but at least T will finally be there. Maybe he can protect me from all the bullshit of everyone else, cause I just couldn’t handle it yesterday. Hate working without him or my beloved boss. Everyone else just can’t run shit the way they can.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t like how I’m feeling lately though. Feeling unlike myself and this unwellness is exacerbated by my not working with T this weekend and now I won’t be for weeks because we’re going on vacation so I’m missing my usual shifts with him and just yeah. Asked him about potentially moving up though and he thinks it might be a good idea and that it would help out a lot and I’m like yyyyyeah duh so do it already! I want to work more, I want more responsibility, I want to help him and my beloved boss as much as possible because I love them both to pieces and I care about this job. And my love for him just seems to never be in short supply and I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m kind of just letting it be, but I know it comes out in the ways I communicate with him and he is always very open to and accepting of whatever I throw at him. He has become an expert at reading my facial expressions and just knowing exactly how I’m feeling any given second. Wah just date me. What do I have to do to make this shit happen. Come on b.
It’s been a weird blur of a week. The past few days I worked crazy hours covering for tons of people for Memorial Day weekend but this also meant lots of extra hours with T which makes me :D We closed together Saturday night and then opened together Sunday morning. Ugh he was so cute and groggy and so was I (Idk about me being cute haha but) and there was a lot of banter because of my crankiness and tiredness. And when I was getting ready to leave I told him I was gonna offer to stay but that it had calmed down enough now that I didn’t have to and he said he appreciated it and he said about my being tired, genuinely caring and being concerned about it like he wouldn’t have let me stay even if we had still been busy. He worked longer hours than me both days and he’s worried about MY tiredness? <3 And we talked about our different plans for that night after work and messaged about it after work. Then I made a status on fb making fun of myself that he immediately blew up with comments, even prompting my brother to say “I saw your post and right away I saw him commenting,” and my brother does not make big deals out of anything nor is he afraid to hurt my feelings when I make a big deal out of something that isn’t to him, so he thinking enough of this to even bring it up says something. Then today I had this funny dream about T that I woke up right after so I felt compelled to message him about it, and in the dream I’d ditched him at work to go have sex with some random guy and I said I didn’t really know what to think of that. So his fucking response was “Could it mean that you have not gotten laid in a while??? Just saying, don’t hit me.” And I said “Perhaps…but yeah you’re getting hit for this one haha” And he said “c’est la vie” and I didn’t respond so 5 minutes later he messaged me again saying “Here, they say laughter is the best medicine for what ails ya, so enjoy -” and he linked me to a dumb video and I again did not respond so we’ll see if he is worried at all that I might be mad at him when I work with him again Thursday. So now he knows…some things about me and I wish he would change my lack of a sex life situation. I wonder if he has any interest to do so. And as always, if he has any remote interest in me in any kind of emotional or physical way. I’ve been afraid to post much detail on here anymore, which is why the lack of updates. I just am so exposed on here. He’s just so so confusing though. That’s my main thing lately, him pushing me and pulling me. I never know what he wants or needs from me. It’s not right how much I am willing to give either.
Done escuela finally. Worrying now about final grades being posted because I need my C in organic and before my final I only have a D so IT’S A BIT OF A STRESSFUL SITUATION. That and I’m also worried that I scared T a little bit by telling him I care about him and then accidentally being kinda weird about it at work when I talked a little about my empathizing with what he was feeling and just yeah nobody wants to hear that and Idk why I didn’t restrain myself but yeah. That’s a thing that happened. Work was fine though, lots of knowing looks and smiles in place of words that usually would have needed to be said so uh I’m all for wordless communicating if that’s how it’s gonna be. Just shows how well we can read and understand each other now and what reactions we anticipate from each other as well. I just worry about how he feels now finally having confirmation that I care about him. He’s so fucking confusing I swear I don’t know why I torture myself over this. Then I get to work and he chats me up about all kinds of shit and smiles a lot (when he never ever ever used to smile before, no exaggeration) and asks me all kinds of questions and I just can’t. He’s so quick to share laughs with me and make jokes and then I wonder why I doubt anything. I just as always don’t know what he thinks or feels about anything other than what I can discern from his facial expressions and actions. He is quick to quell me now too though about any little thing, always assuring me that I will be fine and that I can do it. Harkening back to his claim that he can be soothing? Regardless, his confidence warms me. As does his unwavering kindness even when dealing with his own mammoth levels of stress, which is never taken out on or directed at me. I don’t know how he does it. It’s like he’s a completely different person from when I met him, but he’s the guy I always saw that he was deep down. Gotta stop with this l’amour wank, but. I just so desperately want him.
Typing up a post, then not posting it because you don’t need to now that you got it out and feel better. A+
Got into work yesterday and he had a conversation with me about what we messaged about Friday night, in the middle of our crowded store with customers all around us. Just. Swoon. And we just talked so much and he was telling K that he was doing a good job with this new task he’s been doing but that if he has any problems to come to him and he won’t be mad, that he’ll be mad if K hides it from him and then all this shit builds up. And then he turns to me and is like “See? I didn’t yell at him.” And I was incredulously like “Wha, I didn’t..” and he was like, “You were thinking it.” He’s nice to K because he knows I’m fond of him. Again, that is just <3 that he cares what I think. He gave me another movie to watch, talked about school and he’s been extremely kind, supportive and sympathetic which I don’t know why it surprises me when he seems to be ever increasing in these demonstrations of concern, but. And we left and closed the store late last night because we couldn’t stop talking. And then we messaged back and forth and yeah I don’t remember a lot of details, just panicking off and on about how much he cares about me. He was even concerned when I had a bad night at work Friday night, which I did not expect him to be supportive about but he was. I just worry and I don’t know why, because around him I can feel how much he cares and he even will backtrack and try to quell me if I start to sass him about anything he tries to tell me to do that I don’t like. I just worry that he’s trying to keep me at arm’s length and knows that I want him and he doesn’t return the feeling, or he does but doesn’t want to allow this to happen for his own ridiculous reasons. Hopefully I am wrong to even consider this. We’re growing closer all the time and when I message him and he messages me back he is off and on fb 100 times waiting for me to message him back. And as soon as he sees I’ve messaged him he is on a lot, frequently checking to see if I’m messaging him. And he apologizes if he doesn’t reply RIGHT after I message him because he was asleep hahaha like he apologizes for sleeping. So I don’t know. I don’t know guys haha but I just really, really need SOME kind of confirmation that he has even the tiniest bit of romantic feelings for me. But he just doesn’t open up and share ~feelings in that way. He has only done that a select few times. He’s telling in other ways, but I just never know what to make of so much of what he says and does. I don’t know if we’re always going to be just friends, if he’s still sussing me out a bit, or if this is how he begins to let girls get close to him or what. Everything is just so uncertain and I hate it. I know I need to just let it be, and let this breathe, but we talk so much that I can never get him off of my mind for very long. And I hope I have some place of semi-permanence in his mind as well.
So then he came in Saturday night (several hours after his shift ended so like, why come back) and smiled and happily said “Hey [my name]!” while I was in the middle of counting change for a customer so he completely caught me massively off guard and I’m sure I couldn’t hide the excitement in the smile on my face when I said hey back. He came back up a few minutes later and I rang him up and he made a joke about the dance party and I shook my head and gave him this look, and he leaned in and said “have a good evening” in a ridiculous voice and I said “yooouuuu too”. And then we messaged that night and again yesterday morning for over an hour and he liked my status and I just want him everywhere always.